Home Coming
by Third Person Omniscient
Summary: The sequel to Happy Christmas. The year is done, and Harry, Hermione, and Ron are returning to Grimmauld Place for the break. How will Harry reveal his new relationship? How will Lupin reveal his? Will anyone ever like Ginny? Probably not. Ah well. SLASH!
1. Meet Spoom, and the vignettes

Well, this is the moment you have all been waiting for…Or not. It is entirely possible that no one cares. To those people I say- Go read some HP/GW pwp. It should be more to your liking.

This story is… Gimme an S! 'S' Gimme an L! 'L' Gimme an A! 'A' Gimme another S! 'S' Gimme an H! 'H' What's that spell? 'Slash!' That's right! Slash, particularly of the Sirry variety. So let's all wave bye-bye to cannon, it won't be joining us on this little trip. Please keep all hands, feet, and naughty bits inside the car at all times. And please do not kidnap or lick the unsuspecting characters. Thank you, and have fun on Ms. Third Person Omniscient's wild ride.

OOOOhhhh….before I forget, Much thankies go to Lady Starlight So Kiss My Ass, because she helped me ever so much…So, I would just like to extend a hug, and an undead monkey of gratitude.

Gah…I promise this is my last note before the story begins, but here goes. DANGER DANGER WILL ROBINSON! This story is rated M for a reason. Hell, the first chapter starts with…Yeah, you'll see. But honestly folks, if you don't like ships with two hot dudes doing their thang, please do not read. If you do, enjoy…

I promise this is the last thing…I OWN NOTHING. Well, you know, besides a computer, and a bottle of cherry coke. So please, have a heart, don't sue…Hah, like anyone who actually could is reading this. (Let's all be cynical, shall we?)

* * *

"Why'd you stop?" Sirius was breathy, a bit sweaty, and in Harry's eyes, hot as hell.

"I want you to come inside me." Harry was still a bit shocked that he was able to say such things. But the how never truly seemed to matter in these situations.

Sirius grabbed the younger man in a rough kiss, and somehow managed to have a bottle of lotion appear in his hands, but of course the man was magic, wasn't he?

Harry snatched the lotion and squeezed some onto his hands, and then trailed his fingers up and down Sirius's erect cock, feeling the older man shiver under him. He was enjoying the sight of Sirius completely engrossed in pleasure, and those moans he was making should have been illegal. But he couldn't loose sight of his goal. He stopped again. Sirius made another whine of protest, but one look was all he needed to take Harry by the shoulders, and flip them both over, with a speed and grace quite unexpected.

Slowly enough to not hurt Harry, the animagus pushed two slick fingers inside him, to stretch him. And suddenly, Harry let out a guttural moan. Sirius had found the spot. Curling his fingers to hit it again, he gave it a quick stroke before inserting a third finger. Harry was now approaching purring as the older man removed the fingers.

Again taking care to avoid causing Harry pain, Sirius slid his cock inside Harry. He remained still for a moment, or for as long as he could, before Harry began to beg for Sirius to 'Just goddamn move already!' And so he did. He thrust in and out progressively faster, hitting Harry's prostate head on, as Harry bucked his hips wildly to meet him.

The moans that each made just served to bring the other closer to completion. If any coherent thought was left, Sirius or Harry may have said a quick thanks to the gods for silencing charms. But none was. Soon enough, maybe sooner than Sirius would have liked, he growled Harry's name, and felt satisfied. He gave Harry's cock a few quick strokes, and the younger man came screaming his lover's name.

Moments later the pair were curled together, tired. Sex, after all, was the great energy drainer.

"Siri?"

"Yes Harry?"

"Love you , Siri."

"Love you too, Bob."

Harry awoke with a start, slightly sticky boxers, and an epiphany. _**I need to get laid.**_ It was nearly the end of the school year, and the only partner he had since he left Grimmauld Place was his own hand. It was rather sad, really.

_**Not that it hadn't been a good few moths,**_Harry thought, as he went through his morning routine. It was quite true; the months had even been eventful. Ginny had been given a new nickname that had been cruel and over the top. Of course, it had stuck. 

Somehow, Malfoy had enchanted neon orange badges to flit around the school proclaiming 'Ginny Weasley equals Sparky plus School Broomstick equals Spoom. When a slightly scared out of his wits Hufflepuff third year asked Malfoy about 'Sparky', Malfoy was more than willing to oblige. He really did enjoy making fun of the red haired Weasels.

"Sparky is a dog's name, yes?" Malfoy did not wait for the affirmation that was doubtlessly coming before moving on. "And the littlest weasel is a bitch. A female dog is what, wee one? That's right, a bitch. I couldn't decide on Sparky or the School broomstick for Ms. Spoom, so I, in my genius, combined them. Now wee one, go forth and spread the word." The Hufflepuff fled to the safety of his house tower, ready to curl up in a small ball in the corner. Draco tended to have that kind of effect on people.

After a month, everyone was calling Ginny 'Spoom', and the badges only read 'Ginny Weasley equals Spoom'. And after such a wonderful attack on his stalker, Harry felt that he had to show his appreciation. And thus, after much conversation about the annoyance that is the younger Weasleys, Draco and Harry, in a sense, bonded. (A.N. Not in that way…Not in this fanfic at least.) Certain people were quite against the sudden, if not friendship, at least civil acquaintanceship, between the two.

"You mean to tell me that you aren't going to try and kill him this year? But he's Malfoy!" Ron was both confused and angry. The yearly attack on Malfoy had become a much-loved tradition.

"Uh, no shit Sherlock. He's also not a bad bloke."

"But he insulted Sp- I mean Ginny! And he's Slytherin!" At this, Neville, who had been listening to the conversation with amusement, became a bit annoyed.

"Ron, so is Blaise. Do you want to go out and threaten his health and well-being too?"

"Well, he's a Slytherin…I mean, no! Of course not…If he does anything to deserve it…" Both Harry and Neville looked mildly amused as Ron just dug further down in his already deep hole.

"Ron, if Blaise does something that would give cause to you threatening his health and well-being, I can handle it. My method is probably better, anyway." As the full meaning of what Neville said hit him, Ron fell to the floor with a thud.

"He faints easy, huh Harry?"

"Yes, but it's ever so amusing."

Neville may have come out before the break, but not long after they returned, Colin Creevy decided to stop 'living a lie' as he put it.

"I am in love with another man!" Colin was trying ever so hard to get people to care. And he was failing. Miserably.

"That's quite nice Colin. Now do you mind moving so I can get up the staircase?" Harry had to get an essay, and Colin was standing in his way. He didn't want to use force on his little stalker, but would, if pressed.

"But Harry, you don't understand! I'm in love with you! Oh!" All it took was a quick shove, and Colin was away from the stairs.

"Harry, wait! Dean and I have an announcement too!" Seamus was standing, somewhat awkwardly on the back of a sofa, the only keeping him up right was Dean holding on to his legs. In unison, both Seamus and Dean screamed "We're gay too!"

"Guys, it would take a deaf, dumb, and blind kid-" He was cut of with another in unison scream from the two.

"SURE PLAYS A MEAN PINBALL!" Harry just ascended the stairs to retrieve the essay for potions.

And speaking of potions, it had been odd for about a month prior. He just hadn't been his normal lip-curling, 'I am going to kill you now, and I am going to be all billowy while I am doing it' self. Which is not to say that he was not surly, or billowy, it was just that one got the impression that his heart just wasn't in it. It seemed like there were other things he wanted to be doing besides scaring small children. All in all, it was quite off putting. Or at least more so than normal.

"Oi! Earth to Harry! You in there Harry?" He was rudely jarred from his thoughts by Dean, who had, at some point begun to jump on his freshly made bed. "Harry, you were just standing there, stiff as a board, with your eyes unfocused. I had to do something.

"So you yell, jump on my bed, and throw things at me? Is that really the best- Hey! Was that Neville's toad?"

"Dean, be nice to the poor under-sexed boy. Not all of us can have a boy friend as wonderful and obliging as me."

"True…Seamus, did I ever thank you for the thing with the handcuffs?"

"You didn't have to. Two words- Riding crop." It had the potential to be a sweet moment between the two, if not for their reminiscing over what sounded like a BDSM dungeon's supply list. And Ron passed out again.

"Harry, I think Ron may have some sort of problem that he needs to get checked. Fainting this easy can't be normal."

"I have been telling him that for years, Neville. He never listened. I gave it up." The truth was that Harry didn't really care. It tended to amuse him when his friend passed out at the slightest thing. Kind of like an on/off switch, really.

After a few moments, Ron returned to the world of the conscious, the boys turned to their task for the day. The train would be arriving early the next day, and seeing as how they all planned on getting completely shit-faced as a year end celebration, it was decided that everyone would get everything packed up, so all that had to be done was wake up.

It was the final day, so Dumbledore in all his all his wisdom, chose to stop classes the day before. All of the ceremonies had taken place, and everything was officially over. The students had nothing but time on their hands.

Needless to say, soon the group was bored off of their respective asses, well excluding Dean, who was bored off of Seamus's ass. But that was a bit of another matter. Neville was trying, and failing to enchant Blaise's house badge to sing. So far he had gotten it to whistle I fought the law, but it was off tune, and off pitch. Hermione was reading some book that could have easily been mistook for a lethal weapon, and Harry was playing catch with a snitch he used to practice with.

Harry suddenly noticed Luna wandering over in their general direction, radish earrings bobbing as she walked.

"Spoom is coming near. Be careful Harry." With that, she wandered away, mumbling something about the snorfulplants being out.

Not a moment later, Harry found himself with a lap full of Ginny, her red hair causing him to sneeze.

"Hiya Harry. What are you doing?"

"Not much Spoom." She stood up, and glared down at him.

"Why did you have to call me that horrible name? WE WERE HAVING A MOMENT!"

"Ginny, not now, nor will we ever have a 'moment'. Those are things that two people that can even remotely stand each other have. I do not fulfill that requirement."

"But Harry, I'm all you have!"

"No you bloody well aren't!" Suddenly, Harry found all eyes on him, waiting to hear him reveal the name of his secret amour. As par for the course, he became flustered. "I mean…Lots of people like me. I have all of these blokes as friends, and um, I have the fan clubs. And apparently quite a few other people like me, because your brothers' store is selling out of the Harry potter line. So yeah, you are not it." Only Hermione seemed unsatisfied with the answer, but Harry wrote off her lingering inquisitiveness as natural Hermione.

Ginny ran off in a huff, something she seemed to have gotten quite good at as of late. Unfortunately, she was also growing more like her mother every day. It was kind of sad that what ever genes Bill, Charlie, the Twins, and occasionally Ron had that made them decent people skipped her.

"So what do we do now?"

"Well Harry, we could always have an orgy." It was so odd how Neville could be just as…unique as Dean and Seamus sometimes.

"Your suggestion has been duly noted. It shall be ignored, but it has been duly noted. Any other suggestions?"

"We could start our little celebration early and go to the room of requirement and get drunk."

"Wonderful idea Dean."

In not very much time, and three passings past the door, the band of Gryffindors and one Slytherin were well on their way to getting completely and utterly drunk.

"Hey Seamus?" It was obvious from his voice that he was at least four, if not five or six, sheets to the wind.

"Yes Ron?"

"What's it like?"

"What's what like Ron?"

"The gay-sex."

"I always knew you were in the closet Ron." And with that, Ron promptly passed out. Whether it was from the alcohol, or from his brain finally catching up to what conversation he had been having with Seamus, no one was quite sure.

A few hours later, they were all quite out of it.

"You know Dean; sometimes I think you have a drinking problem. When ever we drink, it was always you that suggested it."

"Harry, I can quit any times I want to. I just don't want to." Dean dissolved into giggles, and slowly, the other in the room fell asleep, planning to only get up after the room stopped spinning, because it probably wasn't supposed to do that.

"Sirius, I've got to go pick the kids up from Hogwarts. They apparently got drunk last night, and slept through when they were supposed to leave. There was talk of expulsion, but Dumbledore decided that since it was the last day, there wouldn't be any action taken." Remus had a way of speaking that made any topic sound as fascinating as the weather on a slow day.

"That's nice. Can I come? Please?"

"Sirius, I don't care if you are still supposed to be dead, you are wanted criminal. I also don't care if you are romantically involved with one of them. You aren't coming."

"I don't see what's fair about that! You get to see your lurve muffin! I don't get to see mine?"

"First of all, please stop saying lurve muffin. Secondly, what do you think Harry would do if you actually called him 'Lurve Muffin' to his face?"

"Yeah, yeah, go have fun without me again. I shall just be here, all by my lonesome, with no one to talk to, and nothing to do, wallowing in my despair."

"Have fun. Oh, don't set the house on fire again, yeah? I'll be back soon." And with that, Remus left Sirius alone, with nothing to do but cause general mischief and mayhem.

* * *

Well, that was the first chapter…I tried not to make this a carbon copy of the first chapter of Happy Christmas, but I have a feeling that I failed. Ah well, the rest of the story shall be different.

Also sorry it took so long for me to get this out; I had written myself into a corner. The corner is dark and scary.

Oh, I am offering my services as a beta. It lets me get out all of my OCD tendancies. If you're interested, just send me a pm.

Ah, now the obligatory threat… If you do not press the friendly little blue button, I will turn this story into Harry/Ron so fast it will make your head spin. Wouldn't it just be less nauseating to review?


	2. Absolutely Nothing

So….How many of you want to see me roasting on a spit for taking so long? Hmm? Oh don't be shy!

Anyway, I am back. I had some family stuff I had to deal with, but everything is good now.

Much thanks to all my reviewers, and all of you that put this in your faves, and alerts. You guys rock!

Two of my favorite (not that I play favorites…-cough-) reviewers get virtual prezzies. I give a teddy bear, and the lovely Saints to one and her poor dying soul, and Stuart Townsend and all of his bone structure to the other. They know who they are. Review more, and you can get a prezzies too. Yes that was a hint.

I am ever so mean to Hermione in this chapter. I don't make fun of her, but, well, you'll see.

I'm also kind of mean to poor Harry. Wizard angst alert!

Must I say it? Do I really have to? Fine then. I don't own them. I have never owned them. But they have more fun with me, and thus they should be mine. –stamps foot-

* * *

Lupin stood anxiously, hidden among the mass of parents and other family members that had gathered on platform 9 ¾, idly listening to various bits of small talk. 

"So when Susan gets home, she demands we take her shopping." "Yes dear." Remus allowed a slight chuckle to escape his lips. The man was so whipped. Just like Sirius.

"So I went to St. Mungo's. Apparently they've never seen a rash _there_ before." At this, Remus grimaced. He began to hum to himself, so as to tune out what tales of medical anomalies he might pick up.

Within seconds, he muttered a curse under his breath as the nameless little tune morphed it's self into 'Werewolves of London'. He was going to kill Sirius. But then, he made the say threat three times a week, and Sirius was still his living, breathing, annoying as hell self.

Muttering various curses against his best friend, Remus was oblivious to the trains arrival, until a burst of wind hit his legs, threatening to throw him off balance. There was a sudden influx of students pouring off of the train, the younger ones searching for their families and flying into their parent's arms, the older ones hanging back, taking a few more moments to talk.

Almost instantaneously, Lupin spotted Harry, and his cohorts. It probably helped that Ron's hair and height worked in concert to form a neon sign effect.

Pushing his way through the crowd of lost looking little first years that seemed to be on the verge of tears, Lupin silently approached the group, and grabbed Harry's shoulder from behind. He wondered if people would still view Harry as their fearless leader after watching him jump about a foot in the air.

"What the hell was that for Remus? Was that your sick twisted idea of a joke? I mean really!" Harry turned to his friends, expecting to see them all nodding in agreement. He was wrong, Ron had burst into laughter, Ginny seemed to be on the verge of cracking up, and Hermione's face was growing redder as she attempted to hold onto some decorum. "Fine then, if you all find my pain so funny, let's just go, alright?"

"Um, not quite yet Harry. One more person is traveling with us." As soon as the words left his lips, Severus Snape stepped off of the train, in all of his billowy, greasy haired glory. Speaking of which, did his hair seem slightly less like an oil slick than normal? But no matter.

"Severus, are you ready to leave?" Lupin looked almost starry eyed at the surly potions professor.

"Oh, but I had so hoped they could find their own way to the house. Or they could stay here, and learn how to panhandle. They should prepare for their future, after all." Lupin glared for a moment, and Snape seemed almost sheepish.

"Remus, what the hell is going on?" Harry was far more than confused but could not think on an accurate word at that moment. What ever it was, he didn't like it.

"Harry, you will treat your elders with respect. Although you can treat Black however you damn well please." Harry smirked as all of the possible implications of that statement worked their way through his mind.

"Sevvey, you may not want to phrase it quite like that…" Suddenly Remus found himself the center of attention.

"Remus?"

"Yes Harry?"

"Please, _p__lease_ tell me that you did not just call Snape Sevvey." It was then Remus's turn to look sheepish.

"I may have?"

"Are you fucking serious?" All Remus did was raise an eyebrow, and Harry closed his mouth. The inevitable answer of "No, that's your job. I am fucking Snape here, though," would have been too much for him to bear.

On that glorious note, the four teenagers, their professor, and a werewolf carried all of their luggage outside to a ministry provided car. It was so handy sometimes that Mr. Weasley worked for them.

During the drive, Remus's poor attempts at small talk failed. Hermione couldn't care less about quidditch, and was vocal about her opinions, no one besides Ginny wanted to talk about how Harry's eyes were such a perfect green, and absolutely no one wanted to talk about the eternally stagnant London weather. And so the drive was awkwardly silent, until Remus chose to make an awkwardly cryptic remark.

"Severus, if Sirius says anything about lurve muffins, or muffins in general, and he is not referring to the breakfast food, punch him."

"Will do. Do you want to explain?"

"Not really."

"Well then…" The drive returned to silence. Finally, they had reached their destination. Lupin told everyone to grab bags, but of course chaos reined supreme when Ron decided to pick a fight with Snape, only to find Lupin supporting the still inexplicably billowy man.

Harry chose this moment to grab the lightest bag he could, and dash up the steps of number 12, Grimmauld place. Not bothering to knock, he grabbed the slightly bewildered, but not unwilling, Sirius Black, and shoved him up against a wall, and began to ravish him. Things grew more and more heated between the two, until Remus came through the door.

Well, more accurately, when Remus came through the door, tapped Harry on the shoulder, and gestured to the door.

"Come on now, they are walking up the steps now. If you don't want Ron, Hermione, Ginny and Severus walking in on you two fucking like horny bunnies with something to prove, I would suggest saving all of that," he gestured to the pair's obvious dishevelment, "until you are in a room with a lockable door." Harry's face turned bright red with embarrassment.

"Interesting way to say hello Rocco, not that I'm complaining of course."

"Hi Siri. Switched back to Rocco?"

"Yeah, I just rewatched the movie last night."

"Siri, I missed you so much."

"Well that is to be expected Harry, he is your god father. You two share a special bond." Both of their faces took a deer-in-the-headlights glaze as they noticed they were no longer alone.

"Hi Hermione. Hi Ron. Hi Ginny."

"Hey Sirius, I would stay and chat, but the train ride was long, and so was the car ride…To make a long story short, I gotta pee. Bye." In his own awkward way, Ron was able to dissolve the lingering tension, and put Harry, Sirius, and Remus, the only ones aware of the tension, more at ease.

Sirius walked up to Severus, and pinched his cheek, making a cooing noise.

"And how's everybody's favorite lurve muffin?" Severus looked at Remus, silently pleading to punch his long-time nemesis.

"Hey, I told you that you could." Severus smiled with glee. He stepped closer, and threw a punch.

It hit its target, but barely made an impact. Sirius began to laugh, and Harry sent a death glare at his teacher for daring to try to injure _his_ Sirius. Snape just had the decency to look embarrassed.

"Harry, do not try and avenge Sirius. Nothing good can come of it. Sirius, you might want to stop laughing, Severus can curse you into next week if he wanted to. And Severus, do you see why I said you could punch him, and not curse him?" Snape rolled his eyes, and left the hallway, presumably to mope somewhere, with Remus chasing after him.

"Well guys, after that little show, I think I'm going to go unpack. Coming Ginny?"

"Oh sure. I do believe I have my own room this time, though."

Two pairs of eyes watched as Hermione and Ginny ascended the stairs to escape the general madness that was the Black House, if only to go to a calm little annex.

Harry took the lovely little opportunity that had presented its self, and grabbed the front of Sirius's black t-shirt and led him into the nearest sitting room.

Before he had managed to do more than affix his lips to the older man's, an ear piercing shriek sounded, and the doors of the room were thrown open by a terrified Hermione. A few seconds later, the room was filled as Snape, Remus, and Ron, who was inexplicably pulling up his pants, entered the room. Ginny seemed to be the only one who remained upstairs.

Pointing at Ron, Hermione began to explain.

"He. On my bed. Nothing on. Bad. Very bad." She collapsed into a very good impersonation of a human puddle.

Seeing the glares coming at him from all directions, Ron felt the need to explain, or dig the hole deeper, depending on the viewpoint.

"Well, you see I was trying to be romantic, and it sort of backfired just a tad. But once she regains consciousness, she'll be all over me!"

"Ron. No. Go to your room and stay there." Remus left no room for discussion, and motioned for Severus to come closer to where he was sitting on the floor with Hermione.

"Do you think she'll be alright, Sevvey?"

"She saw the Weasley boy naked. So most likely not." Remus cast a quick spell, and levitated Hermione up to her newly Ron-free room, and Snape returned to where ever he had been moping.

"I've seen Ron. It's not a pretty sight."

"I look better, I should hope."

"Not really, but I'm willing to humor you."

"Oh funny funny. You're such a brat."

"Yeah, but you love me anyway." He gave the older man a quick peck on the lips.

"Merlin only knows why."

"I know why. You only love me for my body."

"Dean had another one of his little parties last night didn't he?

"If I say yes, will you ignore any strangeness on my part until the inevitable hangover sets in? From what we drank, it should happen sometime tomorrow."

"Sure. I do think that boy has a problem though. The more important question is how long do you think we be alone without someone else bursting in?"

"In this house? And with the rest of the Weasleys coming soon? Not long."

"Well then we must make the most of our time, mustn't we?" And with that Sirius enveloped Harry in an embrace and lowered his lips to meet the other's mouth.

After a moment, Harry parted his lips to invite Sirius's tongue. He was in the process of working his hands under Sirius's t-shirt, and attempting to lift it off, when somewhere in the back part of his mind that wasn't clouded with lust, he heard the front door swing open.

He was able to jump away from Sirius just in time, for the doors of the room swung open again, to reveal the twins, smirking.

"You know George, if I didn't know better; I would say our two friends here were up to something."

"Quite right Fred. Something less than shall we say, child friendly ?"

"But we do know better, don't we George?"

"Of course we do Fred. Just because the doors were closed…"

"And Harry's hair is mussed…"

"And Sirius seems to have his shirt half off…"

"And they both look flushed…"

"And embarrassed. Don't forget embarrassed."

"Of course not. And just because you can cut the sexual tension in this room with a knife…"

"Doesn't mean they were up to something."

"Because we know better."

"You know maybe we should let them return to doing absolutely nothing."

"But perhaps we should mention that mum is right behind us, so perhaps they shouldn't get too involved with nothing?"

"That would be the kind thing to do, wouldn't it Fred?"

"Yes it would George. See you blokes later. And if you are going to do nothing, perhaps you should lock the door, and not just close it?"

"We always do where we are doing nothing."

"Thanks for the advice? I think…"

"No problem Harry." The twins left the room, snickering at their own brilliant wit.

"Sirius, what was that just then?"

"Well, there are varying things it could have been, but I don't think it was an ice lolly."

"Most likely not." They quickly straightened their appearances, because, as the twins had mentioned, Molly had just entered the house. And as soon as she saw the doors ajar, she poked her head in. When she saw Harry, she ran over to wrap him in a hug.

"Oh Harry! How have you been? Have you been eating right? You seem so very thin. I need to have a talk with Dumbledore about you eating more. He needs to make sure you're not starving yourself. I worry, you know.

"But I heard there's someone who has captured your heart, huh Harry? It was only a matter of time. But I knew it. When you came at Christmas I could tell. A mother knows, you know. And I'm almost as good as." Sirius and Harry exchanged quick worried glances. She didn't seem angry, so that was good, but Harry wasn't quite ready to tell everyone about his relationship, and having Molly know was worse than distributing fliers, shouting it from the roof tops, and buying multiple full page, full color ads in the Prophet.

"Oh yes, I could see from the way you were looking at her." Harry just felt bewildered. What did Mrs. Weasley mean, 'her'? "And from the letters home, I know you haven't exactly been shy in making your affections known, so I'm telling you now that Arthur and I fully support your relationship with Ginny." Harry pushed free of Mrs. Weasley's arms and stared at the woman like she was insane.

"I have no idea what you are talking about. I have no interest in Ginny, and I have made that clear to her on many occasions. The fact that she is so delusional to believe I do should only worry you."

"Oh Harry, like I said, there's no reason to try and hide it from me. I know everything that's been happening between you two."

"What, pray tell, has been happening between us?"

"Oh you should know, but I bet Sirius wants to know what his god son has been up to"

"Oh yes Molly, every single infinitesimal detail. I am on the edge of my seat." Harry took an opportunity to glare at him from around Molly's shoulder.

"Late night walks around the grounds, picnics beside the lake, just the silly little romantic gestures that we all make as teenagers in love."

"Molly, I seem to have been getting a very different view from Harry's letters. It seems Spoom has attempted, without success to get Harry, for lack of a better, or in any way less vulgar term, into her pants. It seems that as Harry has resisted, she has grown more desperate. Honestly, I agree with Harry. That girl needs help, fast." Molly's demeanor instantly changed from one of joy and excitement for the possibility of wee little Ginnys and Harrys running around, to one of anger.

"How dare you suggest that my daughter is crazy? And using that awful nickname! You're nothing but a social pariah! A lazy mutt! Maybe you should have been given the kiss that night!" Molly shut her mouth quickly, throwing her hand over it. She seemed shocked that she allowed herself to hit that low.

"Leave." Harry's voice had taken on a steely edge, almost daring her to defy him.

"But Harry-"

"I don't care where you go. But leave this room while I still have some semblance of self control."

"Was that a threat young man?" Harry said nothing, but stood, and reached for his wand.

Mrs. Weasley squeaked, and left the room, muttering something about "ungrateful youth", and "he knows I'm right", and "I'm sure _Remus_ will see things my way."

Harry slowly lowered himself down onto the couch beside Sirius, curling into himself.

"It's okay Harry. I'm okay. I know she was just caught in the heat of the moment. She didn't mean it. I was a little out of line when talking about her precious Spoom." Sirius had begun to stroke Harry's back, trying to calm him down a little. "You know, the last time I saw you that angry, that wand was pointing at me, you remember?" He was trying, and failing to make Harry laugh.

"She shouldn't have said it." Harry's voice was barely a whisper, but Sirius could hear him. "I need you, and if you had gotten the kiss, then…" He trailed off, his mind lost in the 'what-if's' that constantly plagued him.

"But I didn't. I'm here. And I'm okay."

"But you almost weren't here. If Remus hadn't gone in the veil and saved you…"

"But he did. So I'm here. And you're here. And the unfortunate Weasleys are here. You know, we can always kick out Spoom, and her mum. Merlin knows why you like flasher boy, but he can stay. The older ones I don't mind so much."

"I'm a curse." Harry's voice had grown even quieter, and Sirius had to struggle to make out the words.

"You aren't a curse. Never think that."

"But when ever I get close to someone, bad things happen. It's inevitable."

"You are not a curse. And I don't care if I loose a limb or two, I'm not going to let you think that there's something wrong with you."

"But there is."

"But you're perfect. So there's not." Sirius pressed a quick kiss on Harry's forehead, and contented himself with holding him until Molly decided to take a short drop and a sudden stop. Or Harry's eyes grew dry, whichever one came first.

Lupin entered the room quietly, prepared to have a long discussion with Harry about why it was bad to threaten the lives of the older order members, and to hear his side of the events, but stopped when he saw the pained look in Sirius's eyes. He could postpone the lecture, indefinitely, if needed.

* * *

Wow. That end turned into much more hurt/comfort that I originally planned, and far more angsty. But there you go. Some times I control my characters, sometimes they control me. I didn't even plan for Mrs. Weasley to hit that far below the belt… But one hopes that one put enough bad jokes in the first part to hold onto humor as one of my genres, right? 

I must apologize to anyone scarred by the mental image of Ron stretched out on Hermione's bed, rose between his teeth, come-hither look…Yeah gonna stop now, but I do so enjoy messing with people's minds.

Enjoy this, it's three pages (in MS word) longer than a normal chapter.

Now, threat time boys and girls… Press the happy blue button or Mrs. Weasley will off Sirius in an attempt to better Harry's life. No coming back from the dead. There. I do believe that was one of my scarier threats, yes?

Nebby my dear, it's the Electra complex.


	3. No! Norman! I shall save you!

Okay dearhearts, here's the next chapter. I know that it took forever, but I blame writer's block. It is a rat bastard, much like an ex-maurader we all know and hate.

I would like to give big, huge, enormous thinks to Onyx Angel Eyre, who has been insanely helpful, and is generally my own personal cheerleader. Check out that banner on my page for Home Coming. Guess who made it? That's right. OAE. I would like to send much hugs your way. You rock. Go read The Hunt, Unexpectedly, and Who Knew. They all have Siri (not Sirry) goodness.

I want to address what I would like to call the "Spoom Phenomena". As I receive more reviews, I notice more people using Spoom instead of 'her' actual name. I have one thing to say to all of you who have latched on to the name…KEEP IT UP!! Use it in other places. Pass on the joy of Spoom. Make Mama proud. Done now. AND, look it up in Urban Dictionary. Not sure who put it in, but it's there!

Well, I guess I have but one thing left to say before the story commences. Yes. I own Siri, and Harry. I have them… I… Am a really bad liar. Just don't sue me okay?

* * *

Harry jumped as the doors to the room were, yet again, thrust open. Mrs. Weasley stood on the other side, holding still for a moment. The only explanation Harry could find was that she wanted dramatic tension, though he could think of any reason for it. She eventually sauntered into the room, her mouth was curled in a smile, fat rolls rippling, and her eyes in what she must of thought was a wicked squint.

He did nothing as Remus, who had chased her into the room rushed to the woman's side, whispering in her ear. Harry had no idea what he was saying, and only knew Remus was gesturing frantically, and Mrs. Weasley had begun to shake her head like her life depended on it. What ever he was saying, she found to be horrible.

As suddenly as everything had begun, Snape billowed through the doors, and joined Remus in talking to Mrs. Weasley, who just kept shaking her head at them, her gaze directed at Sirius, who had finally started to pay attention to the happenings around him, as apposed to just watching Harry, his usual norm. Sirius seemed to be just as confused as Harry, but was waiting to get involved, like Remus and the _other one_, until he had some bloody clue what the fat broad was going on about.

After a few minutes of Remus and Snape attempting to talk to her, she elbowed her way around them, and stepped closer to the couch, closer to Harry and Sirius. The malevolent grin grew as she looked at the older man.

"Harry, come here a moment, would you darling?" Her voice was sickly sweet, more than normal, even.

Harry moved to stand up, but was dissuaded by a quick head shake from Remus. Snape seemed to even want Harry to stay seated. Sirius, for his part, just tightened his grip around Harry's waist, and pulled Harry closer.

"Harry, I really would like for you to come over here." He smile was fading as she realized that Harry would not be leaving his seat.

"Harry dear, I had so hoped I wouldn't have to do this." She tutted, before casting a quick spell that levitated Harry off of the couch, and over to a dark, slightly dust corner of the room. As Sirius went to help him, Molly turned her wand to him, and with a harsh whisper, said "Avada Kadavra."

As the beam of green light hit him, he crumpled, like a marionette, whose strings had been cut. Harry rushed to his side, expecting a miraculous recovery, hell, if even he could recover from the curse as a baby, of course his Siri could.

But there wasn't a pulse.

And his eyes were empty.

And from somewhere there was a woman's light laughter.

"Harry, I did you a favor. Your life will be so much better now. He was such a bad influence. Someday you'll thank me." Harry knew he should feel rage at the woman who had taken away his love, but there was only a crushing sadness. He felt like screaming, like killing the woman who he had been told to call mum, but all he could manage to do was let out a chocked cry of "Siri", and let the tears come as they may.

He felt a hand shake his shoulder, but he ignored it. The hand shook his shoulder again, and someone called his name. He looked up, prepared to tell off who ever was interrupting his grief, but realized that his grief was not being interrupted, but he was being woken up.

He found himself staring into the kind gray eyes of Sirius.

"What's wrong Harry?" Sirius had begun stroking his back again, in an effort to calm the teenager down. It didn't really have the desired effect. Harry was shaking, and seemed a bit breathless.

"Nothing…Forget it. Bad dream, you know?" Harry had the same look on his face that he did when Ron caught him having a dream about Sirius.

Harry suddenly found that he could look almost anywhere but Sirius at the moment. It wasn't that he thought that Sirius would think his dream was silly, of course not; it was just that he really didn't want to deal with the ensuing pity, or just the inevitable awkwardness. Honestly, how could one say, 'Oh yes, I just had a remarkably vivid dream about you getting killed by some fat broad who wants me to call her Mum. Other than that, I'm just peachy. How about those Cannons, eh?'

Harry thought for a moment, and realized something. He was, in fact, a curse. It seemed that the closer he got to people, the more likely they were to be killed off in some bizarre set of circumstances that ordinarily would take a hundred years to happen when surrounding a single person. And yet, there he was, with odd deaths surrounding him. It's not considered paranoid if they actually are out to get you. And honestly, what better way to protect someone he loved than to get the fuck away from them? If someone was going to try and do Siri in just because Harry was getting too close, than he had to back off. There was no way the fat broad would kill his boyfriend type person, dammit!

But he had to make Sirius believe that everything was fine. The man had suffered so much stress, and most of it had been Harry's fault. Yeah, there had been some things that couldn't be traced back to him, be he was positive that if he thought hard enough, they could be his fault. And some was just obvious. The whole veil thing? His muggle studies professor from third year? No.

"Come on, I know something's wrong. I'm not quite as dim as some take me for. I mean, I'm flighty, hyper, a bit emotional stunted, possessing a dirty mind, constantly fixated on sex…Harry, aren't you going to stop me at some point? You know, this is the part of the show where you say all the wonderful things about me, and vow love forever." Harry was silent for a few moments, looking him over.

"You have a decent arse."

"Ha bloody Ha. Now come on, what's wrong love?" Sirius's expression had turned, well, serious, and Harry knew that the subject would not be dropped soon.

"Um, how about that game? With that guy?" Harry's attempts to change the subject had turned from slightly subtle to shockingly blatant.

"You've tried that before, you know. It didn't work then, not working now. Now spill. If you can't tell me anything, then how do I know that you trust me? And if you don't trust me, how can I be sure that we are doing the right thing? Maybe I should just let you go hump Spoom." Sirius seemed the picture of a woman distressed. Which was very odd, considering his gender, but considering Sirius, it grew far less odd.

"Guilt trips don't work on me."

"Yes they do." Sirius did have a point, Harry was left with very few options.

"Look! A bear!" Harry pointed to a random spot, and took Sirius's momentary distraction to make a run for it. Or h would have if Sirius hadn't closed and latched the doors with some stupid spell.

"Harry, I am ashamed of you. There was no bear. And I like bears. This is very disappointing."

"At least you're pretty."

"Exactly. Now, sit, and tell Uncle Siri everything that upset you."

"Uncle Siri? My, how incestuous."

"Bob, you are not leaving this room until you tell me what about your dream upset you so much."

"You died again! You died and I couldn't do anything, and it was all my fault and Mrs. Weasley said I would thank her later-"

"So the fat broad was behind all of this," Sirius question, his voice quiet, and sad.

"Yeah, pretty much. But only in the dream. No reason to do anything rash."

"Tell me Bob, do you like this woman? Do you think she deserves to continue to be graced with your presence? I can get one of those handy cabinets from the twins, and your worries would be over."

"Siri, you would still probably get in trouble. If nothing else, Remus would be pissed."

"Yeah, I suppose I should fear the wrath of Moony, even if he is far less _frustrated_ these days. Anyway, I have a surprise for you. Something that'll make you feel better. And then we can watch a movie."

"Is it sex?" Harry perked up instantly at the idea of sex.

"Um no." Harry's grin shrunk a bit, but it was still there. "That comes after the movie." The grin returned. "I just got something that I thought you would like."

"Is it an interesting piercing in an interesting place?"

"No, and is my cock all you think about?"

"No, I also think about mine."

"Okay then, moving on." Sirius removed his shirt, and pointed to a spot on his side. Right above the waistband of his well-worn jeans, there was a green lightning bolt, with the letters SB and HP inside it, small, and almost unnoticeable.

Predictably, Harry felt tears well up and attempted to wipe them away before Siri noticed. A task at which he failed miserably.

"Come here, Bob. And here I was, stupidly thing that it would make you feel better, and you're crying again." He sighed, and looked down at Harry, who was in the process of cuddling up to him

"I'm just not used to having people do grand, permanent gestures of love. The closest I can get is a sweater from Mrs. Weasley. And socks from Dobby. Maybe when I kissed Cho and she cried." Sirius chuckled, but was relived that he wasn't stuck with something that would make his boyfriend cry.

"I think it might be the only one I have gotten fully sober. Hurt like hell. Reminded me why I only get them when I'm smashed." Harry just rolled his eyes. Maybe Sirius and Dean should start some kind of club for alcoholics in denial.

"Didn't you want to watch a movie?"

"Oh yeah! We got a T.V., so I made Moony rent a movie. It's really good too!" Sirius grabbed Harry's hand, and dragged him into the living room, only to stop suddenly at the sight of Remus straddling Severus, snogging the other man quite thoroughly. Siri seemed glued to the spot, only to utter a squeak.

"Oh! I'm sorry. Oh my. Um, it's not…Oh hell, it's exactly what it looks like." Remus had jumped off of Snape, who, for his part, seemed rather calm and nonplussed.

"Remus, do you mind putting in that movie you rented for Sirius? He wanted to watch it, and I need to help him to the couch."

"Not the couch," Sirius croaked.

"It's okay, I can clean it. It'll be just like new, okay?"

"Okay." Harry cast a quick cleaning spell, and led his boyfriend type person to the couch.

"Can't do anything for yourself, can you Black? Have to depend on a child. Positively shameful." Snape had worked his way into full sneer mode, and was trying to goad Sirius into a fight.

"Why can't he depend on me?" Harry had again said far more than he had meant to. He wondered for a moment, if Hagrid has rubbed off on him.

"Is there something that no one is telling me?"

"Sevvey, do you want to watch the movie?" Remus was almost as good as the twins at changing the subject, as he proved to valiantly try and cover Harry's goof.

"Must I?"

"Yes, you must. Now come on, this one's good. And you like that one actor that's in it, Norman something or other." Snape sighed, and prepared himself for 110 minutes of the idiotic Black, and Potter.

They all settled themselves onto the couch, which adjusted it's self to make sure that everyone had room.

"Siri, did you choose some religious movie?" The movie had just started and all Harry had seen was a priest.

"No, now shush, and watch the movie." Sirius was leaning close to the screen, and most likely burning his retinas, but could care less.

"Aw, poor Norman, he doesn't deserve to get hit with bits of poultry." The other three men took a moment to stare at the normally surly potions master who seemed truly upset at the idea of the man getting hit with a turkey leg.

"Hey Sirius, don't cross the road if you can't get out of the kitchen."

"And Harry, a penny saved is worth two in the bush."

"Both of you shut up."

"Yes Remus." There was quite for a while, but soon enough the running commentary started back up.

"Greenley is a moron, isn't he?" Harry was greeted with a cry of 'just like you!' from Sirius and Snape, who seemed shocked that they had agreed on something.

"Yeah! Get that coffee bitch!" Sirius was looking positively gleeful, while the others just rolled their eyes at the strange man-child. And again, for a while, they were quiet, until-

"No! Don't kill him! Norman! I shall save you!"

"Professor, it's a movie."

"Ah yes. That it is Harry."

"Bet they're gonna have fun with that 'fucking rope', huh?"

"Remus! I had no idea you were so kinky! But aren't they brothers?"

"Sevvey, honey, Fred and George. And there are a lot of things you don't know." Harry winced at the mental picture created by both the comments. Especially how Snape had seemed so intrigued.

"Aw, Smecker was so mean. He just wanted to cuddle." Harry rolled his eyes at the statement that was so typically Sirius. He had done the same thing when Siri had wanted to cuddle long into the night, and Harry had wanted to sleep. And of course, Siri had pouted, and Harry had given in. Merlin, he was whipped. But that was another subject for another day.

"Hey Sirius, can you river dance?"

"No. I need to though! And then I can be just like Smecker!"

"Didn't Duffy say that he was shot from a downward angle?"

"Yes Professor, that's whey Greenley is an idiot."

"Again with the rope, the boys have quite a fixation."

"Remus? Stop talking about the rope. Please." Harry looked positively disgusted.

"Look at that arse!"

"Sirius, is it impossible for you to have some measure of decorum?" Sirius nodded, and Remus just rolled his eyes at his old friend.

"Well, it _was_ Norman." Snape received a smack on the back of his head from Remus.

"So that's what they're gonna need the rope for!"

"Well Harry, that and…" This time, Remus received the smack from Sirius.

"Moony, no one needs to know about your sexual escapades with the git."

"Jaffar? Honestly? Does this guy look anything but Italian?" Harry gestured to the screen, only to have the three other men shush him.

"So, their friend comes, and they decide to scare him half to death, and make him almost wet himself? I like these guys!" Sirius was positively bouncing in his excitement over the torment of Rocco.

"Wow. Look at all those close ups. Norman looks great…" Snape again was stared at, but his companions were growing increasingly used to him swooning over the man.

"No Rocco, it's not dead. Splattering its self all over the wall is its new trick. It can also do long division." Harry rolled his eyes at the package boy (or man, as he appeared to be pushing 35)'s stupidity.

"Say that cat's name bitch! Say its name!" The statement once more reaffirmed the idea that Sirius Black was a moron.

"Why do they call him the funny man? He's really not. It's kind of sad." Harry wasn't sure if Sirius was pretending to be confused, or was actually confused. It could easily be either.

"Sevvey, are you obee-kaybee?"

"Remus, please kindly shut up."

"You are so touchy when you can't see Norman's face."

"Yes, he'll tip her. That will make everything okay. Idiot." Harry's comment was again met with a chorus of 'just like you!'

"A human cage…Kinky!"

"Remus, if you talk about something being kinky again, and thus giving me mental images I don't need, I will hex you into next week!"

"And how many times have I heard about your sexual exploits in graphic detail, huh Padfoot?" Harry took a moment to whisper what might have been 'we'll talk about this later' into Sirius's ear.

"Yes! Vindication for Greenley! One man, six guns!" Harry was exstatic that finally, Greenley bested Smecker, if only because he was doomed to have the nickname.

"No! Norman got hit! Nooo!" Snape seemed to be on the verge of tears.

"Hey, he's fine. Rocco lost a bloody finger!" Harry seemed indignant that Rocco's sacrifice be noticed.

"No one cares about Rocco, Potter." And the room was silent, except for the movie, at least for a few minutes.

"Moment of silence for the fall of Rocco, please. Moment over," said Sirius, attempting to be serious.

"Hey Black, are you still exactly like Smecker? Because I doubt you look that good as a woman," ribbed Snape, in an oddly not hostile tone.

"Well, we can just ask all of Moony's students about how you looked, huh?" Sirius, for his part, was smiling, and not in the process of trying to kill his mortal enemy.

"Il Duce was their dad? What the fucking fuck?" Three sets of eyes turned to the cussing man in tweed, quite confused as to where the expletives came from. Later, he would blame it on the movie and no on would believe him. The men finally, as the end of the movie was upon them, sat without speaking until the credits rolled.

"Well, that was good. Sevvey, do you want to get some lunch or something? I cued up a movie already for these two. It's about the bassist in a band Sirius liked from the seventies."

Harry and Sirius cuddled together, watching the movie for a while before Harry spoke up.

"The man who plays the lead is quite sexy, isn't he?"

* * *

Well, that's all folks. For this chapter, I mean. Not the story. Certainly not that. Harry's still so deep in the closet he's in Narnia, isn't he? Or at least to most of his friends...-cough- Remmy and Siri(obviously) -cough-

If you didn't understand the movie watching bit, never fear! The whole thing was written while watching one of my favorite movies, a bit of a cult classic, really. While anyone who has seen the movie will instantly know, if you haven't, it really looses its appeal. Basically, it was written for a lovely person who has been reviewing since HC, and wanted the lads to watch it. And for the record, she rocks.

If you can guess both movies, I will give you cookies. The second is a bit harder, because there aren't as many hints, but I thought it was a clever idea, so it made it in.

Next, I will again be doing random drabbles. Again, I need prompts. Gimme!

Far more on the random side than normal, I need to name my new computer. And I shall have a contest. Whoever suggests the best name will get a banner in the theme of their choosing, to display a proud link to on their page. Get to thinking!

Ah, obligatory threat time! If you do not press the happy blue button, Ginny will force Harry to have sex with her, and get preggers. Then he will be forced, out of his sense of duty to Ginny, to leave Siri and marry her. I am that sick and twisted. Just reread the beginning of the chapter if you don't believe me.


	4. The end

Hey darlins…This is the end, glad you kept reading…

* * *

"What the hell was that?" Harry sat up in bed suddenly, his strange dream ending. It felt so real, but it couldn't have been. For one thing, Sirius was dead, and had been for years. And even when he was alive, he was never more than a father figure to Harry. And frankly, Harry wasn't even gay!

"What's wrong? Bad dream?" His wife had woken up, and sat beside him, stroking his arm.

"Yeah, but it's no big deal…" He found that he was calming down, and growing tired again.

"Okay, go back to sleep, we are going to have to get up early tomorrow. Ron and Hermione are expecting us for brunch."

"Oh that's right, I forgot. Night Ginny." He leaned over and gave her a quick peck on the cheek, before lying back down.

"Night Harry."

HPGW

HPGW

HPGW

HPGW

HPGW

HPGW

HPGW

HPGW

* * *

Okay, look at the date, now look at the chapter. Look at the date again, now look at the chapter. Is something clicking? It should...

APRIL FOOLS!!

'Yeah, this whole update was a joke, so please don't hunt after me with pitchforks and such. That would make me sad. But honestly, I couldn't live with myself if I didn't take advantage of the day.

There should be an actual update by the end of the week…

Side note, the 'name my computer' contest is still on! It needs a name.


	5. Those pesky gnomes!

Well boys and girls, after world's most annoying hiatus, here is a brand new chapter

Well boys and girls, after world's most annoying hiatus, here is a brand new chapter. Yay. I have had a mass of personal fun (read: insanity on the part of my relatives that constituted in relocation for a brief period.) It's much better now, and I imagine that none of you really want me to, in the words of a marvy movie, (see what I did there, the whole kind of rhyming thing?) GET ON WITH IT!

Next bit, some of you have been able to identify the movies. The first was The Boondock Saints. Those who guessed that one right were Lady Starlight So Kiss My Ass for whom the movie was picked, Denversheart and Onyx Angel Eyre, for which they get a cookie each. The second movie was Sid and Nancy, and Onyx Angel Eyre and Julielal got a cookie for that one. Yay to all. One thing about Sid and Nancy- Not super accurate, but lots of Gary Oldman in very revealing underwear and not much else. Fun!

Ah, and I am quite glad that a certain werewolf has learned not only to like sirry, but learned to like my strange story.

I have two dedications before the chapter begins, Lady Starlight So Kiss My Ass, for always leaving the most pleasing long reviews(insert hint here), and Onyx Angel Eyre, who gave me suggestion after suggestion for this chapter. Much love to the both of you.

Next up on my list of notes before I start… If anyone who actually has a right to sue is reading this…After I die of shock, I will profess the fact that I never claimed any ownership. All I own is the plot. And the lightning bolt tattoo.

* * *

"What's goin- OH!" Harry was finding that there were some definite plus sides to dating number 12's resident man-child. For one thing, Sirius made oddly good cookies. But one of his other talents was waking up people. Before he got together with Sirius, he had never been sucked awake. Though, in all fairness, he had never been sucked in any way. Rather unfortunate really, all that he had missed out on.

"Morning to you too." Harry was almost to climax when the door burst open.

"Hey Padfoot, Molly wants… Oh dear. Oh no. I… I'll come back…" Remus was the picture of unease and horror. If Harry hadn't been so very embarrassed, and quite preoccupied, he probably would have laughed. Though soon enough, the distraction had ceased.

Sirius shimmied up next to Harry, and waited for his younger boyfriend-ish thing to speak. This probably was unlikely to happen soon when Harry's expression resembled a gasping fish so perfectly. For a moment, he wondered if Harry would respond to Nemo, off of some muggle movie he watched, but figured that the timing wasn't great.

"Oh never mind old Moony, he's caught me in worse!" Harry thought on what could be worse, but decided he probably didn't want to know, for he was fairly sure it could lead to jail time.

"Well yes, but I'm quite sure he hasn't seen _me_ in worse. And imagine what that will do to the poor man's psyche. Catching a former student, hell, someone he considers family like that. He's probably scared and confused."

"Greenly, shut up. Moony is a grown man. If he is really that confused, then Snape-a-doodle needs a talking to. Either that or we hire a prostitute. I like the prostitute idea myself. The less the greasy git is involved, the better, by my count."

"I know, I know… What if Remus isn't the one who bursts in without knocking next time? What if it's Hermione, or Ron? Or Mrs. Weasley?" Sirius shuddered as the thought of Molly Sirius shuddered as the thought of Molly walking in on him. "I think we need a new plan. Either locking the door better, or I dunno what else."

"We could always tell them. That might be an obvious idea."

"What if they don't react well?"

"Then we either ignore them or I start acting all parental toward you, and you act like the proper little godson. What do you think?"

"I think that at this point, I would have to ignore them. Or move to some nice island somewhere with cabana boys ready and willing to do my bidding."

"So single minded, aren't we?"

"I try. But really, at this point, I think we are past the lovely platonic relationship we may have once been able to have."

"Yes, once tongues become involved, nothing is very platonic anymore, huh?"

"You really aren't very bright, are you?"

"And you really do lack a sense of humor, don't you?" Sirius grinned as Harry shoved him out of the bed. "Oi! What was that for?"

"Mrs. Weasley wants us down for breakfast. Unless you intend on giving the old bat a coronary, which wouldn't be entirely unwelcome, put some clothes on."

"Oh, and what about you? Are you now the house's resident nudist?"

"I uh, well, I forgot about me."

"Ever so selfless. Now, go to your room and get dressed. Don't give me that look, I know you have clothes in here too, but it would look remarkably bad if we both came out of my room at the same time, no?" Harry rolled his eyes, threw on the invisibility cloak, and Sirius saw the door open and shut.

"Though I can say it would be nice if 'Mum Weasley' bit the big one, went to the big kitchen in the sky, so on and so forth, and various other euphemisms for death. Everything would be so much easier. Hell, Rocco could even come out of the closet. Though he was never really a Joe Straightly-Straighterson to begin with. Hell, he should just join the traveling company of the Village People and be done with it. So much easier that way.

"But then, he is so nervous about what people would think. Hell, this is a forward think society, not like those close-minded muggles at all. If Vernon was feeding him some filth, I am so going to hex him into next week. Great jiggly bastard that he is, he's probably so repressed that he zips off to some back alley bar each time Petunia turns her back on him." He heard a quiet laugh coming from one corner, and decided to have a bit of fun.

"Hell, with how many people have been coming out of the closet lately, it seems like there's something in the water. Hell, next'll be Molly… Though that's not much of a stretch judging from that one time at school. I need to tell Harry that story, though he's probably too young still."

"Hey, I'm old enough to sleep with you!" A disembodied voice that seemed to be approximately in front of Sirius spoke up in indignation.

"Hey Greenly, want to loose the cloak? Or is the whole ghost thing a new kink I'm not aware of?" Harry let the cloak form a small invisible puddle at his feet and stuck out his tongue at his far more mature man-child of a significant other.

"Now tell me the story."

"Over breakfast. We may have a chance of making Molly keel over yet. After you PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!"

"You know, I find that a bit insulting. Do you not find me hot?" Sirius let out a long sigh.

"See? This is why one should never get involved with some who has the emotional maturity of a walnut. A dim walnut. That is especially not in touch with its emotions."

"Hmm, very true. Maybe I should start seeing Remus then?"

"That's mean. And yet clever. A plus. Now go get dressed or else Uncle Siri will have no story time." Taking one more chance to stick his tongue out at Sirius, Harry threw on the invisibility cloak and actually left the room.

Sirius grabbed his daily black t-shirt, he was quite unsure if he owned anything else, and began to pull it over his head, but paused as he saw the newest addition to his tattoo collection. He brushed the lightning bolt lightly before finally finishing getting dressed.

A few minutes later, Harry and Sirius were both sitting at the breakfast table being urged to eat more by Mrs. Weasley. Or rather, Harry was urged to eat more. If one didn't know better, they would think that she didn't much care about Sirius. Oddly enough, no one could as of yet be found that knew better.

"So Harry, Your mum was looking for Molly one day, I think they were supposed to go in a group to Hogsmead together, and she just couldn't find her. Eventually, she went up to the dormitories, and found Molly and Susan Bones' mum-" Molly clapped her hand over Sirius' mouth.

"That's quite enough Sirius. Do you think that Harry really wants you hear your fairy tales?" Harry began his best bobble head impression, but Molly just kept on, full steam ahead. "Of course not. If you keep filling the boy's head with lies I may be forced to action."

"Mrs. Weasley, are you aware that you sound exactly like Umbridge at the moment? Just so you know, that's a bad thing." Fred and George stepped into the kitchen just in time to hear their mother's and Harry's exchange.

"It's true mum-"

"You really do sound like Um-bitch."

"We're not sure what's got into you lately-"

"But it's quite unpleasant."

"And it seems to be directed toward Sirius-"

"Who is really a fine bloak-"

"So you should really stop attacking him so often."

"We suspect underlying psychological issues-"

"That causes you to see Sirius as the enemy."

"Which is entirely unfounded."

"But then, what do we know?"

"We're just next door neighbors, after all."

And with that, the twins left the kitchen.

"When did those two get intelligence?"

"Harry me boy, I honestly have no clue. It's like they had a brain transplant each. Maybe it was a buy one get one half off sale. Would make more sense than they're finally growing up. I've made it this far, and I still haven't grown up, why should they?" Harry just rolled his eyes as everything he had every thought about the man was once again confirmed. "Now finish you breakfast. I'm bored."

"You're always bored."

"Well yes, but I also have to talk to you."

"Okay, okay." Harry took one more bite of his eggs, and just followed Sirius into the sitting room.

"Harry, I am quite bored. I demand you entertain me. Now go, make me entertained."

"Well, seeing as there isn't a lock on this door, I can't very well entertain you as I would like, but how about, hmm, a nice game of fetch?"

"I guess so. Maybe later you can entertain me as you'd like?" Sirius leered at Harry for a moment, before being replaced by a great black dog, with its tongue hanging out of its mouth.

"How anyone could ever think you were anything besides overly friendly, let alone 'grim' I have no clue." Padfoot barked once, and nudged Harry's foot with his muzzle. "Yeah, yeah hang on you git. Let me get a ball." After searching for a few moments, he failed to find one. Eventually he just grabbed a pillow and transfigured it into a tennis ball that would make McGonagall proud. He and Sirius were thus occupied for an hour, before they both grew bored again.

Padfoot jumped up on the couch beside Harry, and nuzzled into his side.

"Siri, do you know just ho disconcerting it is to see a dog running after a ball with his Prince Albert bouncing after him? That just messes with a guy's mind. Dogs should be loveable and have the whole innocent aura. And the nipple ring. That's a bit off putting too."

"You weren't upset last night!" In a flash, Sirius was off the couch, and standing in front of Harry, looking a bit put out, and also a bit cold. This may have been due to his lack of clothes.

Proving, yet again, that they had horrible luck when it came to the horrible sitting room, Snape and Remus chose that moment to walk through the door.

It was almost as if it was practiced, there was no other way they could all shriek at the same time, and even all with the same girlish pitch. Sirius immediately reached to cover himself as he rushed for his clothes that were lying in a pile on the floor.

"Someone please tell me that I am hallucinating. It is quite impossible that a naked Black was standing in front of Potter. I am also quite sure that this is a bad, bad dream. Remus, please indulge me. And possibly wipe my memory. Yes, that would be very much appreciated." Remus grabbed Severus' arm, and lead him to a very welcome looking chair. By this time, Sirius was finally able to both locate and put on his pants, and had sat down on the couch next to Harry.

"Well, so that's one less person that is in the dark." Harry was trying his best at being nonchalant. "Now the total is up to four."

"Who else already knew?" Remus looked up from the shell shocked Severus, quite surprised.

"Well you, obviously, and the twins who happened to walk into the room in an inopportune moment. You know, the amusing thing is that this time we weren't doing anything. We had been playing fetch, and he was just changing back."

"I should fucking well hope you weren't doing anything!"

"Sevvy! Language!"

"Remus, kindly fuck off."

"Severus Snape I will not have you speak to me in such a way. If you intend to speak to me with the respect I deserve, I will stay and help you deal with what must be a big shock. If not, yours shall be a bed most cold."

"Heh, you got told."

"Padfoot, shut up, and stop being such an idiot for once."

"But, but, he got told…" Remus had effectively both removed the wind from Sirius' sails, and burst his bubble, all in one fell swoop.

"Back to the matter at hand, if I may?"

"Yes Harry, you may."

"Thank you Remus. So Professor, is there any way you can just believe that all of this was a fever dream? Or do we actually have to talk about what was seen?"

"He is far too old, and idiotic and immature, and Black-like to be with anyone, let alone someone who is still in school!"

"Oh bullocks. We actually do have to talk about this, huh?"

"So it would seem Bob."

"Ah, well then… Hmm… What exactly do I say?"

"I would go with long flowery declarations of love, myself Bob."

"Oh please tell me you don't love the brainless twit!"

"Uh… Hey look, a bear!"

"You have really got to get a new diversion technique, Rocco."

"Would you believe Chuck Norris with a B B gun?"

"I'm not falling for that one again. Do you think I'm stupid?" Harry gave a quick nod, and Sirius responded with a shove and a quick barking laugh.

"Wait, let me guess, Black happened to not mention the fact that he was only interested in having a bit of fun?"

"Hey! I take offence to that! I love Harry! Who are you to doubt my intentions? You greasy haired, pompous, egomaniacal rat-bastard!" Severus seemed quite taken aback at Sirius' outburst, but seemed downright disgusted by Harry's reaction. In all fairness, his reaction wasn't really all that scandalous: a hug and a quick peck on the cheek, but Severus was in a very delicate place mentally.

"Professor, I would prefer it if you not tell anyone."

"So one by one, all of the guests in the house can walk in on you and Black in the buff?"

"As fun as that may be Snivellus and as nice as that alliteration was, Harry wouldn't like it, and at some point you have to put the wants of the person you love above your own." Remus and Severus gaped at the statement, while Sirius was just awarded another squeeze.

"Potter, how in the hell did you ever get Black to act mature?"

"Well Professor, I find throwing things at him works, that and threats that you really need not concern yourself with."

"Ew." Harry let out a small giggle as Snape undoubtedly had many an unwanted mental image flash before his eyes.

"Told you that you need not concern yourself. But back to the matter at hand. You won't tell anyone will you?"

"I suppose. Besides, do you really think it would be pleasant for me to delve into the petty gossip that is the romantic entanglements of my students? Unless an unfortunate incident were to occur. In which case I would be forced to finish the job that curtain began."

"I'm not sure whether to be thankful or scared out of my wits."

"Just stay on your toes Black."

"Hey, I still know my way around a wand Sevvy."

"I'm going to pretend that your statement was not an innuendo, and go lie down. This day has been far more taxing that I thought it could. And Molly is screaming something about childish mistakes. I assume that was your doing?"

"You know what they say about assuming things, they make an ass out of you and me. And would you rather she was yelling at you, and not just generally at the world?"

"Hmm, too true unfortunately. It pains me so to agree with one whose mental capacity rivals a stump." Remus finally stepped in and grabbed Severus' sleeve, leading him out of the room before the daily insult fest grew to exchanging blows.

"Well, now what do we do?"

"Bob, that really isn't a hard question. I mean, peg 'A' into slot 'B' isn't that hard to manage."

"Your wit is just biting, you know? I mean do we tell others, or what?"

"The figurative ball is in you figurative court, you know, speaking quite figuratively of course."

"Straight answers are not your figurative strong point. I'm thinking of telling Hermione and Ron. And then, years from know, when she's on her death bed, tell Mrs. Weasley."

"Good plan. She won't be able to kill me then."

"Yes, I thought so. Now about this slot and peg business… I think the conversation could be better completed upstairs?"

"Harry! We need to talk to you!" Harry let out a groan as Hermione and Ron burst through the doors. Fortunately for all involved, Sirius was fully clothed, and nothing that could be reported back to Molly in an unfavorable light was seen.

"What do you want to talk to me about? If Ron thinks he saw death eaters in the garden stealing potatoes again, I'm not dealing with it."

"But they were there!"

"Yes Ronald, I'm sure that Voldemort's minions have nothing better to do than steal produce, especially when Harry is right inside the house."

"See! At least Sirius believes me!"

"Merlin, dull as a very dull thing, this one."

"Well, aren't our similes going down hill?" Harry said with a smirk.

"Bob, kindly shut up. Now go play with your little friends, I have things to do, and Moonys to bother."

"Just don't blame what ever mayhem that ensues on me this time."

"He wasn't all that mad…"

"He turned my hair purple. And my glasses looked those horrible ones the Skeeter woman had. And he wouldn't turn them back for a week! You call that not mad?"

"Harry, you and Sirius can argue later, we have to talk to you _now_." Hermione pinched the top of Harry's ear, and dragged him out of the room.

Once reaching the library, Hermione released her death grip, and Harry was allowed to sit facing his two friends. Once they had all settled in, a soft click of a lock slipping into place was heard.

"Uh, guys, why does this feel like the beginning of an intervention?"

"Because it is and intervention Harry. You haven't been spending as much time with us lately, and it's been worrying me- I mean us. Even at school you seem preoccupied, but now that we've come to number 12, it's even worse. It's like something has caught all of you attention. Those doors are staying locked until you tell us what's wrong."

"Hermione, do you ever feel like you are using the royal 'we', because, in your little monologue, I sure did. Though I wouldn't expect Ronnikins to add much to the 'intervention'. He seems to be staring quite intently out that window."

"The gnomes are up to something. Probably. But you can never be too sure with those gnomes."

"Ron, did your mum drink when she was preggers with you and Ginny? Because that would explain ever so much."

"My mum is a saint!" Ron's face was turning an odd shade of red as he grew more and more furious at the perceived attack of his mother.

"Yes, yes, we all know Ron. You've told us numerous times. You don't have to hex Harry to prove it." Hermione had begun to pat Ron's arm, and lead him to a chair away from the window. He was growing to have an unhealthy obsession with the garden and what nefarious happenings may or may not actually taking place.

"Harry, back to the matter at hand, what's wrong. You can tell us and we promise to understand. If it has you this distracted, it must be quite important."

"Mate, just tell her that you finally realized that Draco was up to something, we can go investigate, make his life hell, Hermione can punch him, he'll be cleared, and life will finally get back to normal."

"Ron, buddy, pal, DRACO MALFOY IS NOT UP TO ANYTHING! YOU HAVE TO LET IT GO! I hate to be quite so loud, but come on, not everything is Draco. One would think that you have an unhealthy obsession."

"Says the boy that went after him every single year with a focus that was almost scary."

"He is right about that Harry, as much as it shocks me to say it. But you seem to have a much healthier attitude toward slytherins this year. If you were still obsessing over Draco, I wouldn't be worried at all. But you aren't. There is no logical explanation that I've found. There's been no big occurrence, and yet since Christmas, you've been almost a different person. Why is that?"

"Hey look! Chuck Norris with a B B gun!"

"You aren't talking to one of the dimmer inhabitants of this house, Harry." Hermione's statement was slightly counteracted by Ron shout of "Where?"

"Why must I be surrounded by easily distractible idiots?"

"Because you really do want to go out with me?"

"Ron, I don't really understand why you persist in fantasies. I do not now, nor will I ever want to go out with you. I tend to only be romantically involved with those who are aware that there is no way that Chuck Norris could appear in a locked room in a house with anti-apperation wards." Ron looked a bit crestfallen, and yet Harry had the feeling that Hermione's answer would by no means be the end of Ron's obsession. He felt quite sorry for Hermione.

"So what is it that has you so distracted? Tell me, but not Hermione. She's being mean."

"Ron, somehow, I think that anything I would say would be far beyond your field of expertise at the moment. Seeing as Hermione is still shooting you down, smart girl that she is."

"Oh! You like someone!"

"Very good Ron, do you want a cookie."

"Actually very much. I think mum has some baking."

"Harry, ignore the weasel. What's the lucky girl's name?"

"It's a bloak actually." Harry spoke in barely a whisper, but in a quiet room with his friends hanging on every word, he was heard.

"Dear Merlin, not another poofter!" Hermione smacked the back of Ron's head.

"How would Dean and Seamus and Neville feel if they heard you using that word?"

"Dean and Seamus use it as a bloody pet name!"

"Which doesn't give you an excuse to use it!"

"Are you ever not sickeningly PC? Honestly?" As his two friends were tearing each other various new orifices, Harry made use of the distraction, and tried a mad dash for the door.

After trying all of the unlocking spells ever granted to him by Professor Flitwick, Harry sighed in frustration. Hermione had bested him yet again. He wasn't especially surprised, she tended to spend her spare time reading up on new spells, and in the summer, spare time was in surplus.

A short laugh alerted him to the end of the argument, and the fact that all attention was again on Harry.

"Do you really think I'd use a charm you knew the counter to? Please give me a bit more credit. Now sit and tell us the name of your beau."

"John."

"Thank yo-"

"Paul. George. Ringo!"

"Great. Just great. You aren't going to answer are you?"

"Well, I may. I may not. I might just let your scarily smart brain figure out what happened right about when I started acting 'strange'. I think you're bright enough." Harry could practically hear the gears clicking into place as Hermione slowly figured out just who Harry was referring to.

"No! You didn't. He didn't. You couldn't have!"

"Uh, sort of?" Harry at least had the decency to look a bit sheepish.

"Harry, he is too old for you! And who knows if he's even is his right mind! Did you ever stop and think that this may not have been the best plan?"

"Merlin I'm tired of people saying he's crazy; he is rich enough to be called eccentric. Any way, I love him, and he loves me.

"Yes but-"

"You had your turn. Look, do you really think you can say anything that hasn't already been said by Remus?"

"Remus knows?"

"Well of course he does! He knew from the start. Hell, at this point the twins and even Snape knows. Not on purpose of course. I think Remus is off trying to calm him right now. He can do a far more affective job than anyone else. Though why someone as nice as Remus would subject themselves to Snape, I will never know."

"Why would you subject yourself to Sirius?"

"Wait, how does Sirius factor in to all of this?" Ron had finally jumped into the conversation, only to prove that he had no idea what the conversation was about.

"Ron, are you that dense? Come on, Sirius is who we've been discussing!" Hermione seemed to be completely devoid of patience for Ron's obliviousness by this point.

"Ew. You and Sirius? He's like twenty years older than you."

"Well yeah, but take into account his mental age. We're far closer."

"Yeah but…EW. How do you, like you know, do," He dropped his voice to a nearly inaudible whisper, "it".

"Well Ron, they-"

"Hermione please let me field this one. I've finally found a subject that I know more about than you. I want my turn to show off."

"Be my guest."

"Thank you. Well Ron, I'm assuming you mean how does it work when nether of us has a , uh, for lack of a better term, 'forward facing orifice', and we both have, again for lack of a better term, 'extroverted bits'. It's quite simple really. Very much an insert peg A into slot B operation. Quite simple really. I could get into more detail, of course." He didn't have to. Ron had fainted dead away.

* * *

Well then boys and girls, thus ends another installment of Home Coming. I have big, important plans for the next chapter. Hopefully that means that it'll come out by the end of the month.

Contest time boys and girls! The name my computer special contest is still on and will remain to be until I post the end of story drabbles.

Speaking of which, I need more drabble ideas. Give me anything. A word, a sentence, even a bloody color. Anything at all would be fine.

I also have a loverly Drarry banner for those of you interested. If you want it, I need an email address. I'm planning on sending it out a week from this posting date so act fast! Or you know, I'll send it to you later and be lightly abusive for not acting fast. Okay, okay, I'll probably just send it, and beg for praise.

And lastly, if you kindly readers ignore the kindly blue button, one of the order members will turn scab (cough Ginny cough) and the ministry will storm number 12 Grimmauld and arrest Siri. Won't that be fun? You readers are the only ones who stand between Siri and dementors. No pressure.


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